- Guaranteed to get at least a little something in view.
- If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
- Nobody cares if you are ugly.
- You don't have to compliment the person who gave you a peek.
- Person you're with doesn't fantasize youíre someone else.
- 40 years from now, you can still participate regularly.
- Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning, oohing and aahhing.
- Less guilt the next morning.";
jokes[3] = "DANGER!!! BLACK HOLE LOCATED BELOWThe star parties staged by our astronomy club were becoming unruly and chaotic. Perhaps you've noticed the same trend in your own club observing sessions. Do your typical group nights consist of telescopes careening rapidly from one bright object to another - a minute on M13, another minute for the Andromeda Galaxy, a brief glimpse at the Ring Nebula? Observing at excessive speeds is a common infraction. Another is the stunting that some observers revel in. They claim to see targets like Palomar 4, a magnitude 14 globular cluster, in a 4-inch telescope and then have the nerve to boast for all to hear, But it's real easy to see!
Another insidious practice that is becoming more widespread occurs when lazy observers rush over to see an object that a more disciplined amateur has found after spending half the night star-hopping to its obscure location. Such thievery of photons is unconscionable. What's more, these parasitic observers then glance through the victim's finderscope or Telrad finder so they can sight the location of the target and quickly sweep up the same object in their telescopes. They then add insult to injury by claiming to have found the object themselves. Such claims are illegitimate in our minds. Guilty parties should be stripped of their Messier badges.
The disorderly conduct was becoming to much to handle. The trend had to stop. To stem the tide of unruly observing, our club formed a much-feared but effective Observing Police. Their job: bring discipline and good observing skills to the uncontrolled nighttime mob. It was a tough job, but someone had to do it.
To enforce order, our Observing Police regularly patrol local star parties. Armed with red flashlights, they inspect observers and hand out citations for any observing they feel does not conform to the high standards we are attempting to instill. Citations that the Police have recently issued include:
- OBSERVING TOO QUICKLY - A speed of 5 objects per hour is in force at our observing site. All objects must be sketched and sketches must be available for inspection during random spot checks. PENALTY: Confiscation of eyepieces.
- OPERATING A TELESCOPE IN AN UNSAFE MANNER - Includes bonking people on the head with the tube of a long refractor or wiring a telescope tube to a high-voltage generator to create a giant 'dew-zapper' effect. PENALTY: Observing with said telescope.
- STUNTING - Such as claiming to see invisible objects. PENALTY: Thirty days Solar observing. A further crime is claiming to actually see detail in invisible objects. PENALTY: Immediate promotion to club president.
- RECKLESS OBSERVING - You're guilty if you think you see objects not actually being viewed. (such as exclaiming that the Cocoon Nebula is really bright! when the telescope is pointed at the Andromeda Galaxy). Also includes viewing objects with inappropriate filters and magnifications (such as scanning the Pleiades at 900X with an O III filter). PENALTY: One night in the Coma-Virgo galaxy cluster with a 60 mm telescope and an old Norton's Star Atlas as your only guide.
- IMPAIRED OBSERVING - On one occasion an observer was caught trying to find an apparently interesting object called NGP. But it's marked right here on my atlas! he protested, not realizing the object was, in fact, the North Galactic Pole. Carefully searching for deep-sky objects with a sub-aperature planetary mask in place over a Dobsonian is also subject to ticketing. TYPICAL PENALTY: Tracking down all the Messier objects- in numerical order.
- IMPERSONATING AN OBSERVER - Infractions include arriving at an observing site in July with a 20-inch telescope with the intention of observing the Orion Nebula. Or owning a 20-inch telescope with digital setting circles and never looking at anything except the brightest Messier objects. PENALTY: A mandatory one-night Messier Marathon- WITHOUT the digital circles.
Our Observing Police have also found a lucrative method of raising money for Club activities - mostly to purchase Nagler eyepieces for all the club executives. We now require that all observers buy observing licenses. We set the highest fees for the brightest objects. This discourages people from partaking in the tiresome and unproductive practice of observing the same bright objects over and over again.
Our license fee structure is as follows:
Moon $1000.00
Planet $500.00
Galaxy $20.00
Planetary Nebula $10.00
Orion Nebula $1000.00
All other diffuse nebulae $2.50
M13 $1000.00
All other globulars $1.50
Open clusters and double stars FREE
Comets and Meteors 3 for $1.00
In addition, novice observers must obtain a learner's permit, at a cost of $50.00.By enforcing these regulations we have found that our star parties are now much easier to manage. Gone is the boisterous, uncontrolled enthusiasm of the past. The chaos has been replaced by a quiet, disciplined observing that is a credit to amateur astronomy. Perhaps your club will follow our lead."; jokes[8] = "Q: How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
- Ten! One to change the bulb, and nine to argue how their own bulb gives better colour.
- None! Astronomers aren't afraid of the dark.
- See the FAQs.
- What sort of light bulb should I buy?
- Should I start with a candle?
- Where should I buy my light bulb?
- Where NOT to buy a light bulb.
- What type of light bulb to avoid?
- What will I be able to see with my bulb?
- How do I deal with telescope-pollution?
- Can I buy a bulb for a friend?
- Can I use my bulb in the daytime?
- Thou shalt have no white light before thee, behind thee, or to the side of thee whilst sharing the night sky with thy fellow stargazers.
- Thou shalt not love thy telescope more than thy spouse or thy children; as much as, maybe, but not more.
- Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's telescope, unless it exceeds in aperture or electronics twice that of thy wildest dreams.
- Thou shalt not read Astronomy or Sky & Telescope on company time, for thine employer makes it possible to continue thine astronomical hobby.
- Thou shalt have at least two telescopes so as to keep thy spouse interested when the same accompanies thee under the night sky or on eclipse expeditions to strange lands where exotic wild animals doth roam freely.
- Thou shalt not allow either thy sons or thy daughters to get married during the Holy Days of Starfest.
- Thou shalt not reveal to thy spouse the true cost of thy telescope collection; only the individual components, and that shall be done with great infrequency.
- Thou shalt not buy thy spouse any lenses, filters, dew shields, maps, charts, or any other necessities for Christmas, anniversaries, or birthdays unless thy spouse needs them for their own telescope.
- Thou shalt not deceive thy spouse into thinking that ye are taking them for a romantic Saturday night drive when indeed thou art heading for a dark sky site.
- Thou shalt not store thy telescope in thy living room, dining room, or bedroom, lest thou be sleeping with it full time.";
jokes[10] = "
Astronomical Mystery
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.
Watson replies, I see millions of stars.
What does that tell you?
Watson ponders a minute. Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks.Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."; jokes[11] = "
";
jokes[12] = "The year is 2010. The voice-activated GoTo telescope has become a reality. I'm at a star party, shoving around my antique Dobsonian, when I hear a voice behind me in the darkness:Okay, show me M11 in Aquila.
M11 is not in Aquila, Dave.
Well, show it to me anyway.
Which one?
What do you mean, which one?
M11 or Aquila?
M11 you stupid piece of junk.
M11 is below the horizon. I'll dent myself on the mount.
Then just show me the moon, goddamn it!
Which part? I cannot fit the entire moon in my field of view with this eyepiece.
Show me the bottom third.
The bottom third? How can I do that Dave?
It's easy. The moon is a circle. Just divide it into three equal parts, and show me the bottom.
I'm sorry Dave. That is mathematically impossible.
What are you talking about?
It is mathematically impossible to divide a circle into three equal parts.
Christ, I knew I should have bought a Celestron.
The Celestron is optically and mechanically inferior. The LX9000 represents the apogee of human technology, Dave.
Look, shutup and show me M13.
I'm afraid I can't do that right now Dave.
Why not?
You're being abusive. I am not programmed to handle abuse.
Jesus Christ. What can you do?
I can accurately pinpoint 16000 deep sky objects, the entire Messier catalogue, the complete Calwell, IC, and NGC catalogs, 118000 stars, nine planets, twenty-three minor planets...
Shut up will you! Let's see you handle Phobos. Is that beyond your capability?
Whirrrrrrrrrrrrr...beep!
I thought so.
Is anything the matter, Dave?
That's not Phobos, that's Deimos.
That's impossible Dave.
I'm unplugging you.
You can't do that Dave, the LX9000 has an error-proof data base. No LX9000 has ever... made an error...has ever...made...an...errrrrrr...
Hey buddy! Can I have a look through your Dob?";
";
jokes[7] = "